Wednesday, July 18, 2007
After Local Storm, Schnieder Complains About Missing Yard Signs
While Overland residents picked up their belongings from as far as a mile from their home following this week's thunder storms that tore through northwest St. Louis County, Ward 4 Council Member Mike Schneider assessed the damage to his mayoral campaign.
"This is not acceptable!" Schneider lamented, "I've done some investigation and have found that a majority of my signs are missing from the yards where they have been placed." Overland Picayune investigative reporters had trouble verifying the signage story as the streets and houses have been darkened due to power outages that have affected the majority of Overland.
"This is the utmost of silly politics," stated Ward 1 Council Member Edie Cuminale. "No one stole those signs, unless you want to point the finger at Mother Nature!"
Schnieder supporters are not completely convinced that this isn't the actions of political opponents. "We have had enough of the 'toxic' behavior that has beleaguered this city," stated Schneider supporter and spokesperson Lester Dills. "I've heard the 'wind' excuses, I'm just not sure the citizens are going to buy that line."
The Schneider campaign did not hesitate to begin an official investigation after contacting local media. Police Chief Jim Herron attributed the missing signs not to "dirty politics" but to the catastrophic natural disaster and up to 50 mph winds that has hit the city. He has promised to do an investigation once he "takes care of the disaster relief that is more relevant to the city."
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Conlon Proposes Ward Wonder Women Warriors
In a noon press conference, Ward 2 Council Member and Mayoral Candidate Mary Beth Conlon promoted a new program that hopes to benefit city residents.
"I am pleased to announce the creation of the Ward Wonder Woman Warriors for the city of Overland," stated Conlon. "This group of dedicated, service-minded and talented women will heed the call of citizens in need of home repairs, gardening, babysitting or even a homecooked meal. Need a button sewn on? Call the Ward Wonder Women Warriors. Need a new roof? Call the Ward Wonder Women Warriors. There is no job too small or too large for these Wonder Women."
This groups of citizens will head out in invisible cars when needed by their fellow residents. They will be easily indentifiable by their All-American jumpsuits and fashionable toolbelts that included the famous truth lasso. Even their accessories will be useful. Their bracelts can double as a socket wrench or pipe joint, depending on the job.
"I'm psyched!" shouted James Peters, a 42-year-old single Overland resident. "I mean, I can do this stuff around the house, but who wouldn't want some hot woman in a Wonder Woman suit doin' it for them?"
Residents who need help through the program can call or visit city hall. The city hall employees will then sort the requests by location and forward them to Justice League headquarters for processing.
The program is being underwitten by a grant from DC Comics.
Schneider Introduces Ordinance to Ban Rubbermaid
In a move that can only be seen as a conflict of business for the Tupperware-salesman-turned-council-member, Ward 4 Council Member Mike Schneider has proposed an city ordinance banning all use of Rubbermaid products.
"I feel Overland will move forward if we buy all of our necessities, including kitchen gadgets through home party plans," explained Schneider. "It is in the best interests of our city and actually gets people working and making money."
Not all council members are convinced of Schnieder's take on the proposal. "This is an outrage!" exclaimed Ward 3 council member Ken Owensby. "It is apparent that Schneider still has ties to Tupperware and is only acting in his own interest. What next--Sterilite will be banned?!"
Rubbermaid spokesperson could not readily comment. The stunned spokesperson stated the company had never encountered any such measures, even in Tupperware's home city of Orlando.
Rubbermaid is a competing household plastics company based in Huntersville, North Carolina.
